When Punishment is a Good Thing

I've been mulling over this post for a long time, trying to work out exactly what I want to express.

Fair warning: if you're hoping this will be a hot little story about a spanking, you'll be disappointed.

There's a lot of debate about punishments in the online BDSM communities. What most people seem to agree on, however, is that it isn't a punishment if you are enjoying it. While punishment is a popular theme for BDSM porn, the general concensus is that if you're having any fun, it's not really a punishment. They go so far as to give this 'play punishment' scenario it's own cutesy name to set it apart: funishment.

Real punishment, it seems, should be a thoroughly wretched experience. After all, we don't send people to prison to have fun (I'm not opening a political debate here, just go with it), and we don't punish unruly school children with extra time on the playground. How can punishment be a deterrent if it is desirable? Ideally it seems even the dominant should be miserable throughout, wracked with disappointment and questioning his own ability to lead. Everyone should want to avoid punishments completely.

OK, got it.

Then there is a school of thought which takes this a little further, and states that having a punishment dynamic at all is a bad thing. 'We are all adults,' so the line of reasoning goes, 'and we shouldn't need to be threatened and coerced into behaving.' Other arguments are that punishment, especially physical punishment, does nothing to address the deeper issue at hand. If a person really wants to submit, they will submit and obey and the need for punishment will be removed. If they don't, well, the dominant should just leave. And naturally a sub shouldn't be punished for a genuine mistake - subs are human beings after all. Real life long-term D/s relationships just don't have punishment dynamics, I've been told.

Huh. What does that make us then?

I dislike this attitude because it implies that a relationship which includes a punishment element is dysfunctional at the core. It suggests that the sub is childish and irresponsible and the dom is a brute who believes violence solves everything. It takes an overly simplistic view that because a couple decides to use punishment, they are skipping over the important communication at the heart of the relationship. It assumes the only possible reason for punishment is to beat the rebellion out of the sub until he or she is too scared to screw up again.

And it's bollocks.

Punishment works for us, and here's how.

Something happens. An order is not completed. A rule is broken, intentionally or accidentally. I have a bad day and give him a mouthful. This is a bad thing. It is also part of life, and part of being in a relationship. Sometimes you screw up.

And then we fix it. The thing gets done, we make up, we talk about why that happened and how we can stop it happening again. We both get the chance to express feelings and concerns - in other words, we work it out like adults. See how punishment doesn't give us an excuse to skip that part? But then he punishes me anyway.

The punishment is part of the ritual. It is a symbolic line drawn underneath whatever little upset occurred. It is catharsis. It allows me to put aside my own worries and anxieties and to stop questioning what he is really thinking. He is displeased, he is forgiving me. There are no games being played, no sulking or passive-aggressive behaviour. I know exactly where I stand. We go through the punishment and start again with a clean slate. And yes, usually it is a physical punishment.

I don't like the sensation - it's not hard for him to make a physical punishment unpleasant because I'm a big softie in that respect. But I'll admit that on some level I like being punished. I like it because after the unpleasantness of whatever has come before, this is us focusing on each other and recommitting to the dynamic we have chosen. I like it because in our own way we are saying 'this still matters, I love you, we are alright'. I like it because it's a way of conquering my own insecurities about whether or not he is still angry with me. I like the reassurance of knowing I will be held accountable. I want him to hold my feet to the fire and help me to be the absolute best I can be. And he likes it too. And yes, sometimes it ends in sex. That doesn't make it a 'funishment'. It just means that we're a couple who love each other and we've found a dynamic that makes us both feel it.

One last thing: there seems to be a belief that enjoying punishment leads to a downward spiral. Either the sub misbehaves more and more to get the lovely fun times, or the dom creates imaginary infractions for an excuse to punish. This is where the 'we are adults' line really does make sense. We have a good thing going on here. Neither of us are about to weaken or damage our relationship by deliberately doing things to upset the balance. Punishment is good, the things that bring about punishments are bad. I wouldn't burn my hand on the stove just to feel the relief of the ice pack. I wouldn't screw up our relationship just to get punished. Punishment is the tool to strengthen our relationship, not the goal.