Anticipating a punishment

It seems I only just finished posting about the role punishment has in our relationship, and now I'm sitting here waiting for one.

In all fairness I knew I was heading this way. Whenever there's a shift in our dynamic I feel the need to push and test where the boundaries are. This is not the most mature way of doing things, but I can't seem to help myself. I want to submit to him willingly - that's the point, after all. But at the same time I need to know that he means it. I want to know that he will put his foot down when he needs to.

Last night was that kind of night and I had a couple of 'gentle reminders' of my place. It was mostly in good fun, and kept a playful tone until I went one step too far and disobeyed an order (no more snacks) when he was in bed and I was up with the baby. He heard the cupboard door closing. Busted!

So now I'm waiting on my punishment - 100 strokes.

That's a decent amount for anyone and for us it is a lot. We're not heavy players, I'm not a pain slut and 20 strokes might be a testing play session for us. And that is with the appropriate warm up and sexy stuff going on too. I may get the odd 'correction' spanking with five or ten smacks but real full scale punishment like this is rare. 100 is... well, it's difficult for me to imagine what that's going to be like.

My stomach is in knots and I have at least another seven hours to wait until we have privacy. I keep squirming in my seat and feeling cold shivers. I have spent a good part of the morning attempting to bargain and negotiate with no success. One minute I think that I will accept and submit gracefully - I did earn it - but then next minute I find myself pleading with him for mercy. But honestly, I don't want him to let me off. I need this. I need to know I can't wriggle out of it and that I will be held accountable. The most disturbing part is that I'm kind of looking forward to it.

Don't misunderstand me - it is going to be a tough experience. The worst I've endured up until this point was fifty strokes and I sobbed all the way through it. The fact that he's intending to tie me down means he doesn't think I can cope with it otherwise. He has threatened to make me count and thank him for each stroke, something we never do, in order to 'give the lesson time to sink in'. I think he's teasing (right, sweetie?). Nevertheless amongst the fear is a tiny seed of excitement. No escaping. No mercy. I will atone for my behaviour and when it's over we will be stronger for it. I will be better for it.

But best of all, this anticipation will be over.

So if you read this, darling husband, merciful, generous, love-of-my-life... I'm ready. I'll submit to your punishment and learn my lesson gratefully. But please don't make me wait too long.