It seems I only just finished posting about the role punishment has in our relationship, and now I'm sitting here waiting for one.
In all fairness I knew I was heading this way. Whenever there's a shift in our dynamic I feel the need to push and test where the boundaries are. This is not the most mature way of doing things, but I can't seem to help myself. I want to submit to him willingly - that's the point, after all. But at the same time I need to know that he means it. I want to know that he will put his foot down when he needs to.
Last night was that kind of night and I had a couple of 'gentle reminders' of my place. It was mostly in good fun, and kept a playful tone until I went one step too far and disobeyed an order (no more snacks) when he was in bed and I was up with the baby. He heard the cupboard door closing. Busted!
So now I'm waiting on my punishment - 100 strokes.
That's a decent amount for anyone and for us it is a lot. We're not heavy players, I'm not a pain slut and 20 strokes might be a testing play session for us. And that is with the appropriate warm up and sexy stuff going on too. I may get the odd 'correction' spanking with five or ten smacks but real full scale punishment like this is rare. 100 is... well, it's difficult for me to imagine what that's going to be like.
My stomach is in knots and I have at least another seven hours to wait until we have privacy. I keep squirming in my seat and feeling cold shivers. I have spent a good part of the morning attempting to bargain and negotiate with no success. One minute I think that I will accept and submit gracefully - I did earn it - but then next minute I find myself pleading with him for mercy. But honestly, I don't want him to let me off. I need this. I need to know I can't wriggle out of it and that I will be held accountable. The most disturbing part is that I'm kind of looking forward to it.
Don't misunderstand me - it is going to be a tough experience. The worst I've endured up until this point was fifty strokes and I sobbed all the way through it. The fact that he's intending to tie me down means he doesn't think I can cope with it otherwise. He has threatened to make me count and thank him for each stroke, something we never do, in order to 'give the lesson time to sink in'. I think he's teasing (right, sweetie?). Nevertheless amongst the fear is a tiny seed of excitement. No escaping. No mercy. I will atone for my behaviour and when it's over we will be stronger for it. I will be better for it.
But best of all, this anticipation will be over.
So if you read this, darling husband, merciful, generous, love-of-my-life... I'm ready. I'll submit to your punishment and learn my lesson gratefully. But please don't make me wait too long.
Tuesday, 23 October 2012
Friday, 5 October 2012
A Nice Night In
I've posted before about how D/s is not all about sex and whippings. I stand by that. It's mostly regular life. Lately regular life has been weighing heavily upon us. Playtimes have been few and far between because we're both so exhausted.
We have been talking about setting aside one night a week which is just about us, and our dynamic. A night for play, perhaps, or just for focusing on my submission to him. To reconnect and remember why we started down this path.
This is something I wrote for Himself, posted with his permission. I was trying to express how I hope these evenings will go.
We have been talking about setting aside one night a week which is just about us, and our dynamic. A night for play, perhaps, or just for focusing on my submission to him. To reconnect and remember why we started down this path.
This is something I wrote for Himself, posted with his permission. I was trying to express how I hope these evenings will go.
I want to be pushed and tested. I want to be made
uncomfortable, to be challenged, to struggle with myself and win. I want you to
take me further than we've been before. I want you to demand my submission and
make it hard for me.
I want you to hold me accountable. I want you to look back
over the week and question me. I want you to scrutinise our interactions and
make me account for every mistake. I want you to hold my feet to the fire. I
want your praise, but I want to know I've earned it.
I want you to hurt me. I want to feel pain at your hands. I
want you to slap, scratch, pinch, whip, pull, shove and beat me. I want to feel
pain build up in waves until I feel like I can't take any more, and then fade
away only to start over again. I want to beg and scream and cry and still
endure more. I want to offer myself up as a sacrifice to you and feel your
excitement at your power. I want you to let your sadistic streak free and to
delight in my agony. I want to feel the burn that fades into arousal and the
warm glow of being owned.
I want to serve you. I want to pamper you, to feed you and
bring you drinks. I want to bathe you and lay out your clothes, to make your
life beautiful, to respond to your every desire.
I want you to give me orders I don't like. I want you to
ignore me and humiliate me. I want to experience discomfort and embarrassment
at your command. I want you to make me do things just because you can. I want
to be laid bare before you and have you see all of my flaws. I want you to call
me names, to stand me exposed and vulnerable, to send me away to wait for you
in the dark.
I want to be frightened. I want to fear what you may do to
me, or what you may ask of me. I want to know you won't hesitate to command me
to do things which scare and disgust me. I want to be off-guard, to wonder what
you are thinking. I want to feel real danger at your hands, fire and blood and
bruises and tears and your fingers over my mouth controlling my very breath. I
want to experiment with you. I want to go to the edges of our sexuality, to
play new games together. I want to try everything with you.
I want to be fucked. I want to fuck as though the world in
ending. I want to drip with anticipation. I want to shake and tremble
underneath your touch and scream your name as I cum. I want to give you all of
my body - I want you to take it for your pleasure and use it without regard for
me. I want to be held down, bent over, taken. I want to be raw. I want to fulfill every fantasy and then create more with you.
I want to anticipate it. I want to know the day is coming. I
want to prepare myself for you carefully, my mind racing with possibilities. I
want to worry about what will happen, I want to be excited. I want to look
forward and have dark thoughts dancing in my head for days as I wait. I want
you to leave me clues and let me wonder.
When Punishment is a Good Thing
I've been mulling over this post for a long time, trying to work out exactly what I want to express.
Fair warning: if you're hoping this will be a hot little story about a spanking, you'll be disappointed.
There's a lot of debate about punishments in the online BDSM communities. What most people seem to agree on, however, is that it isn't a punishment if you are enjoying it. While punishment is a popular theme for BDSM porn, the general concensus is that if you're having any fun, it's not really a punishment. They go so far as to give this 'play punishment' scenario it's own cutesy name to set it apart: funishment.
Real punishment, it seems, should be a thoroughly wretched experience. After all, we don't send people to prison to have fun (I'm not opening a political debate here, just go with it), and we don't punish unruly school children with extra time on the playground. How can punishment be a deterrent if it is desirable? Ideally it seems even the dominant should be miserable throughout, wracked with disappointment and questioning his own ability to lead. Everyone should want to avoid punishments completely.
OK, got it.
Then there is a school of thought which takes this a little further, and states that having a punishment dynamic at all is a bad thing. 'We are all adults,' so the line of reasoning goes, 'and we shouldn't need to be threatened and coerced into behaving.' Other arguments are that punishment, especially physical punishment, does nothing to address the deeper issue at hand. If a person really wants to submit, they will submit and obey and the need for punishment will be removed. If they don't, well, the dominant should just leave. And naturally a sub shouldn't be punished for a genuine mistake - subs are human beings after all. Real life long-term D/s relationships just don't have punishment dynamics, I've been told.
Huh. What does that make us then?
I dislike this attitude because it implies that a relationship which includes a punishment element is dysfunctional at the core. It suggests that the sub is childish and irresponsible and the dom is a brute who believes violence solves everything. It takes an overly simplistic view that because a couple decides to use punishment, they are skipping over the important communication at the heart of the relationship. It assumes the only possible reason for punishment is to beat the rebellion out of the sub until he or she is too scared to screw up again.
And it's bollocks.
Punishment works for us, and here's how.
Something happens. An order is not completed. A rule is broken, intentionally or accidentally. I have a bad day and give him a mouthful. This is a bad thing. It is also part of life, and part of being in a relationship. Sometimes you screw up.
And then we fix it. The thing gets done, we make up, we talk about why that happened and how we can stop it happening again. We both get the chance to express feelings and concerns - in other words, we work it out like adults. See how punishment doesn't give us an excuse to skip that part? But then he punishes me anyway.
The punishment is part of the ritual. It is a symbolic line drawn underneath whatever little upset occurred. It is catharsis. It allows me to put aside my own worries and anxieties and to stop questioning what he is really thinking. He is displeased, he is forgiving me. There are no games being played, no sulking or passive-aggressive behaviour. I know exactly where I stand. We go through the punishment and start again with a clean slate. And yes, usually it is a physical punishment.
I don't like the sensation - it's not hard for him to make a physical punishment unpleasant because I'm a big softie in that respect. But I'll admit that on some level I like being punished. I like it because after the unpleasantness of whatever has come before, this is us focusing on each other and recommitting to the dynamic we have chosen. I like it because in our own way we are saying 'this still matters, I love you, we are alright'. I like it because it's a way of conquering my own insecurities about whether or not he is still angry with me. I like the reassurance of knowing I will be held accountable. I want him to hold my feet to the fire and help me to be the absolute best I can be. And he likes it too. And yes, sometimes it ends in sex. That doesn't make it a 'funishment'. It just means that we're a couple who love each other and we've found a dynamic that makes us both feel it.
One last thing: there seems to be a belief that enjoying punishment leads to a downward spiral. Either the sub misbehaves more and more to get the lovely fun times, or the dom creates imaginary infractions for an excuse to punish. This is where the 'we are adults' line really does make sense. We have a good thing going on here. Neither of us are about to weaken or damage our relationship by deliberately doing things to upset the balance. Punishment is good, the things that bring about punishments are bad. I wouldn't burn my hand on the stove just to feel the relief of the ice pack. I wouldn't screw up our relationship just to get punished. Punishment is the tool to strengthen our relationship, not the goal.
Fair warning: if you're hoping this will be a hot little story about a spanking, you'll be disappointed.
There's a lot of debate about punishments in the online BDSM communities. What most people seem to agree on, however, is that it isn't a punishment if you are enjoying it. While punishment is a popular theme for BDSM porn, the general concensus is that if you're having any fun, it's not really a punishment. They go so far as to give this 'play punishment' scenario it's own cutesy name to set it apart: funishment.
Real punishment, it seems, should be a thoroughly wretched experience. After all, we don't send people to prison to have fun (I'm not opening a political debate here, just go with it), and we don't punish unruly school children with extra time on the playground. How can punishment be a deterrent if it is desirable? Ideally it seems even the dominant should be miserable throughout, wracked with disappointment and questioning his own ability to lead. Everyone should want to avoid punishments completely.
OK, got it.
Then there is a school of thought which takes this a little further, and states that having a punishment dynamic at all is a bad thing. 'We are all adults,' so the line of reasoning goes, 'and we shouldn't need to be threatened and coerced into behaving.' Other arguments are that punishment, especially physical punishment, does nothing to address the deeper issue at hand. If a person really wants to submit, they will submit and obey and the need for punishment will be removed. If they don't, well, the dominant should just leave. And naturally a sub shouldn't be punished for a genuine mistake - subs are human beings after all. Real life long-term D/s relationships just don't have punishment dynamics, I've been told.
Huh. What does that make us then?
I dislike this attitude because it implies that a relationship which includes a punishment element is dysfunctional at the core. It suggests that the sub is childish and irresponsible and the dom is a brute who believes violence solves everything. It takes an overly simplistic view that because a couple decides to use punishment, they are skipping over the important communication at the heart of the relationship. It assumes the only possible reason for punishment is to beat the rebellion out of the sub until he or she is too scared to screw up again.
And it's bollocks.
Punishment works for us, and here's how.
Something happens. An order is not completed. A rule is broken, intentionally or accidentally. I have a bad day and give him a mouthful. This is a bad thing. It is also part of life, and part of being in a relationship. Sometimes you screw up.
And then we fix it. The thing gets done, we make up, we talk about why that happened and how we can stop it happening again. We both get the chance to express feelings and concerns - in other words, we work it out like adults. See how punishment doesn't give us an excuse to skip that part? But then he punishes me anyway.
The punishment is part of the ritual. It is a symbolic line drawn underneath whatever little upset occurred. It is catharsis. It allows me to put aside my own worries and anxieties and to stop questioning what he is really thinking. He is displeased, he is forgiving me. There are no games being played, no sulking or passive-aggressive behaviour. I know exactly where I stand. We go through the punishment and start again with a clean slate. And yes, usually it is a physical punishment.
I don't like the sensation - it's not hard for him to make a physical punishment unpleasant because I'm a big softie in that respect. But I'll admit that on some level I like being punished. I like it because after the unpleasantness of whatever has come before, this is us focusing on each other and recommitting to the dynamic we have chosen. I like it because in our own way we are saying 'this still matters, I love you, we are alright'. I like it because it's a way of conquering my own insecurities about whether or not he is still angry with me. I like the reassurance of knowing I will be held accountable. I want him to hold my feet to the fire and help me to be the absolute best I can be. And he likes it too. And yes, sometimes it ends in sex. That doesn't make it a 'funishment'. It just means that we're a couple who love each other and we've found a dynamic that makes us both feel it.
One last thing: there seems to be a belief that enjoying punishment leads to a downward spiral. Either the sub misbehaves more and more to get the lovely fun times, or the dom creates imaginary infractions for an excuse to punish. This is where the 'we are adults' line really does make sense. We have a good thing going on here. Neither of us are about to weaken or damage our relationship by deliberately doing things to upset the balance. Punishment is good, the things that bring about punishments are bad. I wouldn't burn my hand on the stove just to feel the relief of the ice pack. I wouldn't screw up our relationship just to get punished. Punishment is the tool to strengthen our relationship, not the goal.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)