I've been increasingly falling prey to crushingly negative self image. I'm not going to dwell on it here; I've already spoken about it elsewhere and I'm sure continually raking over it will only give me more excuses to be critical of myself.
In summary - I hate my body, and it's starting to affect my ability to submit.
My husband does not hate my body. He still enjoys getting me naked. I can feel his sadness for me that I can't see myself through his eyes. When we play, I want to throw myself into it with abandon and confidence. We just got some underbed restraint straps and boy, would I love to lie there vulnerable and exposed and have a great old kinky time.
But I know when the time comes, I will be lying there thinking 'Oh god, my stretchmarks. Is he looking at my stomach? Does he wish I was better looking'. (He doesn't, once again, this is all my insecurity). Now that's not fair on anyone. Where's the fun in torturing a sub who's too busy torturing themselves to notice?
Anyway: I have moped, and now I am ready to fix it.
The next month, with the support of His Lordship, I am on body bootcamp. I'm exercising every day, tracking everything I eat, drinking more water, taking my vitamins and getting back on board with the stretch mark creams. No excuses. This is one of those moments where I feel particularly lucky to have someone to be accountable to. He's going to be checking up on me. In addition, come pay day it's time to get a haircut and a few decently fitting pairs of jeans. Lastly, no more feeling sorry for myself. This is going to be the hard bit.
One month is manageable - I can keep that end in sight, and with any luck I should see enough of a result to spur me on.
One month. And now that I've made it public, I'm committed to it.
I know exactly how you feel. I spend a lot of time angsting over similar things and find it hard to pull myself away from it when Daddy tells me to. It's taken us three years for him to be able to compliment me without me giving a terrible reaction (it was shouting at him that he was a liar at first, slowly working down to a "tsk" or a roll of the eyes) but we're very slowly getting there.
ReplyDeleteI had a haircut in August and tried to change how I dressed and I think it really helped me. I'm hoping it helps you as well. You owe it to your husband as well as yourself!
(Just thought I'd comment and let you know you're not alone and that someone else supports you!)
Thank you! It is good to know I'm not the only one who feels like this. It's very reassuring to know that you've made such big leaps forward. A week into it, I'm already feeling better because now I know I'm doing everything I can.
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