Doubts

Last night I had one of those nights.

We've had a rough week, Husband and I. Baby is teething, and we've all had colds. It may not sound like much, but as anyone with kids will know, teething is a parenting trial-by-fire. Our baby has never slept through the night, but lately there's been no sleep at all, for any of us. Between the screaming, the vomit, the sniffles and the restlessness, we're all exhausted and grumpy. To make things worse the baby (who will happily sleep through the sounds of heavy machinery and fire alarms) is scared to tears every time my husband sneezes.

So what does this have to do with submission? A lot, as it turns out.

I'm the type of person who tends to overthink things at the best of times. And when I'm sleep deprived, my ability to keep that in check decreases dramatically. I feel frustrated at the baby when she spits out the medicine that I know will make her feel better. Then I feel guilty for feeling frustrated. Before you know it I'm feeling like the worst mother in the world.

It works the same way with submission. I want to submit to my husband. I do, oh so badly. But I find I easily slip into that negative cycle of questioning and doubting myself and I'm particularly vulnerable to it when I'm tired and stressed out. The house is a mess - I've barely had a minute when the baby hasn't needed me, and when I have got a second to myself, I slacked off. I sat my ass down and enjoyed the silence. We haven't eaten well - we've had several takeaways since I've also slacked off on the cooking. So much for the healthy diet he requires. Husband understands - he's not an unreasonable Master. But I feel bad. I start to beat myself up. On one hand, I wish he would punish me because I want to be held to higher standards and I don't want to be let off the hook at any slight inconvenience. On the other hand, would I really want to be in a power exchange relationship with someone who punished me for being human and for having a bad day? After all, he's struggling too after this tiring week - would I want him to punish me for feeling the same way?

You can see what I mean about overthinking. It starts here and ends with me feeling like jelly and wondering whether this is the right type of relationship for me at all.

It is, of course. I always come through these wobbles with my husband's support. But after six years I feel I ought to be on top of this now.