One Rough Week

This has been a hard week. Everything has gone wrong!

I've been ill, the baby has been up even more than usual in the night.

And on Tuesday, we were in a car accident, and the car was written off. You might remember that we ordered a new car, but we won't be getting it for another two months, and the tiny amount of insurance money won't stretch very far, so we're a bit stuck for the next few weeks.

We're not hurt, thank goodness, though I did have a migraine for the next couple of days.

All in all, it's been a rough week. I'm worn out with all the running around and phone calls and lack of sleep. All I want is an hour of quiet.

Thank goodness I have my husband to watch over us.

I'm really craving some hard and heavy play this weekend. I'm hoping we'll find a couple of hours one evening to focus back on each other and get the stress out. There's something very cathartic about a good beating, and giving up control in such a literal, physical way is the best way of reconnecting.

Roll on Sunday.

I'll try to have something a bit more chirpy to post next time!

Body Bootcamp

I've been increasingly falling prey to crushingly negative self image. I'm not going to dwell on it here; I've already spoken about it elsewhere and I'm sure continually raking over it will only give me more excuses to be critical of myself.

In summary - I hate my body, and it's starting to affect my ability to submit.

My husband does not hate my body. He still enjoys getting me naked. I can feel his sadness for me that I can't see myself through his eyes. When we play, I want to throw myself into it with abandon and confidence. We just got some underbed restraint straps and boy, would I love to lie there vulnerable and exposed and have a great old kinky time.

But I know when the time comes, I will be lying there thinking 'Oh god, my stretchmarks. Is he looking at my stomach? Does he wish I was better looking'. (He doesn't, once again, this is all my insecurity). Now that's not fair on anyone. Where's the fun in torturing a sub who's too busy torturing themselves to notice?

Anyway: I have moped, and now I am ready to fix it.

The next month, with the support of His Lordship, I am on body bootcamp. I'm exercising every day, tracking everything I eat, drinking more water, taking my vitamins and getting back on board with the stretch mark creams. No excuses. This is one of those moments where I feel particularly lucky to have someone to be accountable to. He's going to be checking up on me. In addition, come pay day it's time to get a haircut and a few decently fitting pairs of jeans. Lastly, no more feeling sorry for myself. This is going to be the hard bit.

One month is manageable - I can keep that end in sight, and with any luck I should see enough of a result to spur me on.

One month. And now that I've made it public, I'm committed to it.